A Confession

confession

“Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been, uh, geez! It’s been so long I don’t remember.”

“I believe the last time I saw you here was when Shodan was confirmed.”

“It’s only been five years? It feels a lot longer than that. Okay, so it’s been a little over five years since my last confession. These are my sins. Truthfully Father, there isn’t a lot. I’ve missed church a lot, as I’m sure you know, and I’ve used the Big Guy’s name in vain a lot. Othan that, there hasn’t been anything major. But that isn’t why I’m here.”

“Oh? So why are you here then?”

“I’m mad as hell at God.”

“About what?”

“Listen, Father. I’m not perfect, but I’m a good guy. I take care of my family, treat people with kindness, or at least the way I’d want them to treat me. I’m not an a-hole by any stretch of the imagination. My glass is always half-full, and even when we were going through all that stuff, not once did I become bitter. We’ve had more than our fair share of crap to deal with. Why did MS have to be the cherry on top?”

“You’re mad at God for having MS?”

“I’m not devoutly religious, Father, but I do believe there is a greater power out there, and if I choose to believe that power has the ability to influence what happens to us in the mortal world, then yes, I’m mad that they let this happen to me. What did I do to deserve this?”

“Maybe deserving has nothing to do with it?”

“You mean it’s all random, and I got the shit end of the stick out of pure, bad luck?”

“No, I mean maybe you got it for a reason that isn’t as apparant as you think.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Have you heard the expression that God never gives you anything you can’t handle?”

“Sure, but that doesn’t tell me anything. I mean, I’m not looking for a reward for being a good husband, father, friend, or any of that stuff. That’s just the way I’m wired. But still, shouldn’t that count for something? Otherwise, what’s the point of all this? Just as all that crap was winding down and things were becoming more settled, my symptoms statred to escalate. Fast forward to today, and I’m a shell of my former self, physically. Talk about feeling abandoned!”

“Have you ever considered that maybe you have MS because it was the lesser of two evils?”

“You mean something like cancer?”

“Not specifically, but something that would have impacted you or your family much worse than what you’re dealing with now.”

“No.”

“Have you considered that maybe this was a way of teaching Shodan something about perseverance, about never giving up when life throws obstacles in your way.”

“He’s already experienced a lot of that himself, Father.”

“But you’ve refused to let this consume you. You easily could have become angry and bitter. You haven’t. You’ve plowed through this to the best of your ability, and have never complained.”

“I’m complaining now.”

“You know what I mean, Steve. You haven’t changed a thing in regards to supporting him or your family when others might have thrown in the towel. You still work and put yourself through a lot of medical stuff, if I’m not mistaken. If that isn’t a lesson of demonstrating God’s love, I don’t know what is.”

“So you’re telling me I should look at this as a blessing?”

“No, but you mentioned on more than one occasion that your condition has changed your perspective about a lot of things. That having MS has shown you what is truly important in life, and that you don’t fret over as many things as you might have before you were stricken. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yeah, but I’d trade having more things to fuss and fret over for two good legs and my sense of balance in a heartbeat.”

“Of course you would. All I’m saying is that don’t think of this as punishment. Don’t think of yourself as being abandoned. Things can always be worse, and maybe that could have been in the cards for you but God’s mercy gave you this instead. Maybe He in His wisdom thought your life needed clarity and this forced you to find it. Maybe this isn’t as bad as you make it to be.”

“Do you want to trade places?”

“No thank you. I’m happy with my calling.”

“That’s good, because I wouldn’t want to trade places with you either, Father. I couldn’t live your kind of life.”

“So you’re feeling better about this?”

“Of course not! Dealing with this really sucks, Father. Nothing is going to change that fact. Sometimes I feel so worn out I want to scream. Sometimes I am so tired of not giving in I just want to throw in the towel and say to hell with it. I know I will eventually lose this battle, so what’s the point?”

“Do you truly feel that way?”

“Not very often, but sometimes, yeah. I mean, it’s hard to pretend this isn’t a big deal, and I have my moments of weakness. Having said that, you’ve given me something to think about and getting this off my chest helps a lot. I don’t like to dump this shit on my family or friends. They have enough on their plates. But I think an element of anger about having to live with this will always be there, and it’s good to unload it.”

“You’ve also said that many people with MS have it worse than you, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yes they do Father, but I still have it worse than most. Plus, I doubt I’m going to stay this fortunate forever. If I ever get to the point where I become a financial and emotional burden to K and Shodan, then I will be angry and bitter. I’ll probably want to shoot myself when that day comes.”

“That would be a mortal sin that I can’t absolve for you, Steve. For now, say two Our Father’s, Two Hail Mary’s and one Act of Contrition and we’ll call it a day. Meanwhile I will continue to pray for you and your family. And don’t hesitate to come in again if you feel the need to howl.”

“Thank you, Father. Hopefully that won’t be for a while.”