A Confession

confession

“Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been, uh, geez! It’s been so long I don’t remember.”

“I believe the last time I saw you here was when Shodan was confirmed.”

“It’s only been five years? It feels a lot longer than that. Okay, so it’s been a little over five years since my last confession. These are my sins. Truthfully Father, there isn’t a lot. I’ve missed church a lot, as I’m sure you know, and I’ve used the Big Guy’s name in vain a lot. Othan that, there hasn’t been anything major. But that isn’t why I’m here.”

“Oh? So why are you here then?”

“I’m mad as hell at God.”

“About what?”

“Listen, Father. I’m not perfect, but I’m a good guy. I take care of my family, treat people with kindness, or at least the way I’d want them to treat me. I’m not an a-hole by any stretch of the imagination. My glass is always half-full, and even when we were going through all that stuff, not once did I become bitter. We’ve had more than our fair share of crap to deal with. Why did MS have to be the cherry on top?”

“You’re mad at God for having MS?”

“I’m not devoutly religious, Father, but I do believe there is a greater power out there, and if I choose to believe that power has the ability to influence what happens to us in the mortal world, then yes, I’m mad that they let this happen to me. What did I do to deserve this?”

“Maybe deserving has nothing to do with it?”

“You mean it’s all random, and I got the shit end of the stick out of pure, bad luck?”

“No, I mean maybe you got it for a reason that isn’t as apparant as you think.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Have you heard the expression that God never gives you anything you can’t handle?”

“Sure, but that doesn’t tell me anything. I mean, I’m not looking for a reward for being a good husband, father, friend, or any of that stuff. That’s just the way I’m wired. But still, shouldn’t that count for something? Otherwise, what’s the point of all this? Just as all that crap was winding down and things were becoming more settled, my symptoms statred to escalate. Fast forward to today, and I’m a shell of my former self, physically. Talk about feeling abandoned!”

“Have you ever considered that maybe you have MS because it was the lesser of two evils?”

“You mean something like cancer?”

“Not specifically, but something that would have impacted you or your family much worse than what you’re dealing with now.”

“No.”

“Have you considered that maybe this was a way of teaching Shodan something about perseverance, about never giving up when life throws obstacles in your way.”

“He’s already experienced a lot of that himself, Father.”

“But you’ve refused to let this consume you. You easily could have become angry and bitter. You haven’t. You’ve plowed through this to the best of your ability, and have never complained.”

“I’m complaining now.”

“You know what I mean, Steve. You haven’t changed a thing in regards to supporting him or your family when others might have thrown in the towel. You still work and put yourself through a lot of medical stuff, if I’m not mistaken. If that isn’t a lesson of demonstrating God’s love, I don’t know what is.”

“So you’re telling me I should look at this as a blessing?”

“No, but you mentioned on more than one occasion that your condition has changed your perspective about a lot of things. That having MS has shown you what is truly important in life, and that you don’t fret over as many things as you might have before you were stricken. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yeah, but I’d trade having more things to fuss and fret over for two good legs and my sense of balance in a heartbeat.”

“Of course you would. All I’m saying is that don’t think of this as punishment. Don’t think of yourself as being abandoned. Things can always be worse, and maybe that could have been in the cards for you but God’s mercy gave you this instead. Maybe He in His wisdom thought your life needed clarity and this forced you to find it. Maybe this isn’t as bad as you make it to be.”

“Do you want to trade places?”

“No thank you. I’m happy with my calling.”

“That’s good, because I wouldn’t want to trade places with you either, Father. I couldn’t live your kind of life.”

“So you’re feeling better about this?”

“Of course not! Dealing with this really sucks, Father. Nothing is going to change that fact. Sometimes I feel so worn out I want to scream. Sometimes I am so tired of not giving in I just want to throw in the towel and say to hell with it. I know I will eventually lose this battle, so what’s the point?”

“Do you truly feel that way?”

“Not very often, but sometimes, yeah. I mean, it’s hard to pretend this isn’t a big deal, and I have my moments of weakness. Having said that, you’ve given me something to think about and getting this off my chest helps a lot. I don’t like to dump this shit on my family or friends. They have enough on their plates. But I think an element of anger about having to live with this will always be there, and it’s good to unload it.”

“You’ve also said that many people with MS have it worse than you, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yes they do Father, but I still have it worse than most. Plus, I doubt I’m going to stay this fortunate forever. If I ever get to the point where I become a financial and emotional burden to K and Shodan, then I will be angry and bitter. I’ll probably want to shoot myself when that day comes.”

“That would be a mortal sin that I can’t absolve for you, Steve. For now, say two Our Father’s, Two Hail Mary’s and one Act of Contrition and we’ll call it a day. Meanwhile I will continue to pray for you and your family. And don’t hesitate to come in again if you feel the need to howl.”

“Thank you, Father. Hopefully that won’t be for a while.”

 

 

 

 

Author: Steve Markesich

I am loving husband, a doting father, a Red Sox fanatic, an aspiring novelist and MS advocate. Feel free to check out my stevemarkesich.com web site.

38 thoughts on “A Confession”

    1. Thanks Beth. Hope you are adjusting to your new digs. I still think you should find a realistic looking rubber snake and put it on Matt’s side of the bed. That’s what your E would do

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  3. You have told me in the past something along the lines of, have your rant and then get back to living, and you do this for me, and others, despite all that is going on for you. You are amazing. And, you know what, MS does suck and what you are going through sucks and of course you are angry; I am angry for you. It isn’t fair and it is ok to say that and feel that, and I know that you , because of who you are, will feel all those things and go on being the caring, smart, steady and generous man that you are. MS can’t steal the core of who you are, but howl away, because it isn’t fair, and because we all need the days and moments and places to rant and vent and howl.

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    1. Thanks Sue. Howling at the moon is something we all need to do from time to time. I often though about writing a post after a few (actually more than a few) drinks or a joint and see what emerges. Assuming what comes out is intelligible, it could be either really funny, really shocking and sad, really enlightening or mean.

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      2. Paul, the Desert Curmudgeon, of the (now invisible) Spooky Action at a Distance blog, challenged me to do a drunk post once, and I agreed. Two or three times after that I came home from “church” hellbent on getting something from my addled brain into the nether, to see what might ensue.

        Well, as it turns out, Tipsy Tom can’t sit still long enough to get things in here out there. I would literally get up every few minutes and go (a) talk to wife, (b) play with dog, (c) listen to song, (d) whatever else is not writing.

        The experiment wasn’t a complete failure. I did learn that Intoxicated Tom’s ADD is much more severe (as Mrs C had told me over the years) and that the reason I began to drink as a much younger man (to silence the constant, swirling, sometimes overwhelming thoughts I had and just LIVE) still applies.

        Drunk posts are for Facebook. Blogging takes focus. 😎

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  4. Love this post……………although I am not Catholic, I have had similar conversations with my pastor. Thank you for sharing…….and thank you for putting yourself “out there” to help others…………

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    1. I was born into the catholic faith and had all the sacraments but I am not devoutly religious. I have a good relationship with our former parish priest, thought of what a conversation with him on the subject would go like and this is what emerged. It was actually a very easy piece to write. Didn’t have to think too much,which is always good. Thanks again for reading Wendi

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      1. It was beautifully written Steve and the conversation was spot on! I spent a year at an all girls Catholic college……….it brought back memories!
        When blog posts come quickly and easily to my mind…………those are the ones that make me so happy to share.

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  5. I love this! I am catholic and have always found comfort in a talk with God, he always listens and it really does help. I hope you are feeling better soon and you should never feel bad or guilty for what this MS does to you (easier said then done I know) This is the first post I’ve read and genuinely felt since I’ve come back on here! Stay strong Steve, you will be in my prayers.

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  7. In a nutshell, Steve, we are multidimensional beings. Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical things. At best, only 1/4 of your being is currently compromised, and most likely the other aspects of your being have been greatly enhanced as a result.

    I don’t know a damn thing about that, obviously, but maybe that is what the wise father was trying to say.

    Either way, that was a great write-up and you are a man to be admired. Much love, brother. 🙂

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  9. Great post as always Steve! I personally think you are pretty incredible man and we are all entitled to have our rants. No one, including God is going to judge for that! Never stop being who you are, I really think more should be like you! The strength you posses is amazing and I am SO glad I have been able to get to know you!

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  10. Great post, Steve.
    I’m not religious. I (thought I) was once, but never really confessed (my sins). Then, I lost my religion, as the song says, because of the suffering the world has been going through. I’ve always thought, it can’t be…
    Sb rebuked me recently for swearing at God, but I told him I had every right to be mad, as he has every right to believe in him. We should not judge each other not try to persuade each other that the other’s right.

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      1. Powerful stuff Steve. I share the same angers and frustration as you except I’ve never o vented on anyone. I’m afraid to ever say “why me” because I’m afraid my strength will escape with it. The thought that comes to mind is “why NOT me?”
        While I am increasingly spiritual I have yet to embrace a God that predetermines ones fate and I will never embrace the “It’s God’s will” mentality. I have just accepted that it DID happen to me and I can either deal with it or eat a bullet. Those are my choices.
        You have just posted some SERIOUS food for thought my friend

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        1. I’m pretty much the same way Billy. I have never had a conversation like this, but if I did that is probably what it would sound like. Part of me thinks it’s pointless thinking like that because fate or whatever it is would say “you think you have something to complain about? I’ll give you something to really complain about”

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